INDEPENDENCE DAY

I wish those landed white guys could have gotten an earful of Jimi Hendrix

Did you know that young Jimi Hendrix was an Airborne Ranger who could wrangle sounds out of a Fender that nobody was sure belonged in this Universe. Pretty sure he didn’t belong here, but he left all those sounds with us when he went off to wherever he needed to be. Now stand up and put your hand over your heart you damned Hippies. If six turned out to be nine, I don’t mind. I don’t mind.

Look at the signers of the Declaration of Independence and it reads like a pledge class at Phi Gamma Delta: Richard Henry Lee. Thomas Jefferson. John Adams. John Hancock. GG Allin. Taylor Swift. Larry Bird. Tom Brady. They kept straight faces when they read “…all men are created equal.” Even folk that we hold title to, right Tommy Boy? How we live with ourselves leaves me stultified.

There will be parades, and cookouts, and plenty of the lamest beer in the whole goddamned world as people celebrate. And plenty of fireworks, purchased by the case at roadside stands where you fill out a form that says you’re going to scare the shit out of somebodies family in another stupid state, but not the state where you bought the armaments. Post-truth. I think we’re good. Truth is so far behind this motherfucker that it ain’t ever going to catch up. Remember: it’s not what you do; it’s what you say. Jesus Henry Christ.

One more thing before we join with our families and friends and our neighbors: please cram that charge in your fundament before you ignite that Chinese fuse and terrorize my dog. Then feel free to bleed out.